i made my way back home for the extended easter weekend, and it put me on some really introspective, artistic shit. being back amidst the different yet cohesive neighborhoods of san francisco and away from the life trap of urban sprawl that is los angeles really helped me to filter through and distill a lot of what i have been thinking about lately. there’s something about flying into SFO at night, eyes glued to the lights and the movement below, combined with the drive back across the golden gate to my family’s house, with the glowing city skyline in the backdrop. i learned a lot about myself this weekend, as has been the core essence of my life these past few weeks, self-speculation, “soul searching”. i finally came to terms with who i really am, who i want to be, and the distinction between growing as a person and being unauthentic in order to fit in with the people i’m surrounded by. most of this self-acknowledgement came as a result of talks with my friend turned girlfriend turned bitter ex turned best friend. it’s really refreshing to know where you are and all i really know right now is who i am and what i want, but what i’m struggling to find is drive; the only drive i have right now is a drive to be creative. lately my brain has been a mindflood of creativity, and i find myself questing for areas in my life to manifest and enfranchise it. whereas i used to limit my imaginativeness to the specific outlets of photography and poetry, i now find myself drawing and sketching whenever and wherever i get a chance, painting on occasion in my art class, writing songs even. i have been so unafraid to try new things, and now i can’t stop finding ways to let go of my creativity and make art. i even changed my major from business to graphic design solely so i could take more art classes.

i spent my thursday night climbing an antique, rusty tower in the presidio with one of my friends. the candy-cane-like red and white structure wobbled with the wind, swaying back and forth in the cold night air. the climb, although nightmarishly intimidating and physically tiring, was well worth it; from the top we were gifted a panoramic view of san franicsco. with the pacific ocean and the little lit cove of sea cliff behind me, the golden gate bridge and the palace of fine arts to my left, twin peaks and noe valley to my right, i looked out onto downtown, the bay bridge hiding behind the skyskrapers that were staring back at me. these concrete towers had seen more than i ever would, and had more to say than i ever could. i took a deep breath and paused, attempting to appreciate the grandiose perfection that was all around me. after just a few minutes, my friend was ready for the descent back down, however i was not. i could have sat up there forever and admired the allure that is sf. many people are drawn to san francisco for many different reasons, but i could live in that city for the rest of my life solely for it’s beauty. it was the first time i had ever climbed the tower and been up there, but it will not be the last.

for those of you looking for a message in this post, i would say that there are two. but i’m not about to preach anything to anyone, hopefully you’ll be able to find them yourselves. what i will tell you, is that san francisco is the most amazing city in this world. if you’ve never been, go; if you have been, you are lucky; if you live within the city’s borders, i envy you.

kj